


It Was Just a Yolk

by Magical_Awesome_Kid



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: And Lots of Confusion, Aziraphale is the best dad, Baby sneks, Crowley is the best confused dad, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Post-Canon, Warning: Many Puns, based on tumblr
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-06-30 01:07:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19842355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magical_Awesome_Kid/pseuds/Magical_Awesome_Kid
Summary: Crowley thought he had just nailed the best prank for Aziraphale – poof up some unfertilized snake eggs, drop them off calling them his kids, and bugger off for a week without answering anymore questions. It was perfect.Until he comes back to find the yolk is on him.





	1. Cracking Up

**Author's Note:**

> AHHH MY FIRST FIC IN WAY TOO LONG AND MY FIRST EVER GOOD OMENS FIC!!!
> 
> This is inspired by [this art by Skizoraven](https://skizoraven.tumblr.com/post/186307512408/based-on-this-post-by-ineffable-bastard-crowley) and from the head cannon of [ineffable-bastard-crowley](https://ineffable-bastard-crowley.tumblr.com/post/185893689460/crowley-tries-to-play-a-prank-and-it). Go check them out!
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Crowley had gotten the idea a good number of days after the end-that-wasn’t and the little switch-a-roo that he and his angel had pulled to save themselves. While their respective offices were leaving them alone for the most part, Hell still sent regular snail mail (because they were so original) with forms and making sure that Crowley was causing hell on earth. Heaven usually sent people in-person, but they, too, were taking a note from Hell and began sending forms, not wanting to really be near Aziraphale but still needing to keep tabs on him.

Therefore, Crowley was keeping up with his normal demon-ish schedule of lunches with Aziraphale, yelling at his plants, driving too fast, and occasionally causing mass panic and stewing up mischief. Crowley worked best working on a mass, subliminal scale. Humanity was too big to work one person at a time – but, while there were many good people in the world (which he hated to admit many times), all it took was a bad day, a naturally angry manager or a pissed off customer, and humans could sin like hell. His newest plan involved a trip across the channel, an upcoming football game (or soccer for stupid Americans), and plenty of anger over a pay gap. All it would take was a little bit of encouragement from “Toni” J Crowley, and the fans would become a mob, no matter who won.

He was so excited to see Twitter after, and he wanted to be there in person to do his part.

However, this meant being away from his angel for about a week, so he was looking for some goodies to keep him happy. Since the Acropo-wasn’t, things had been speeding up between him and Aziraphale, and, while he could disappear for months (or years) before without batting an eye, Crowley felt… bad (gross) leaving without doing _something._

_Purely selfish. Gotta woo my angel. Temptation and all that._ He told himself, hiding a small smile as he thought of how happy Aziraphale would be to get even a small gift.

Crowley was strolling around the markets that sold all the odds and ends that the ‘typical’ Briton would find gross, but Aziraphale had a refined pallet. Many of these things would delight the angel if prepared properly.

He was browsing a stall with a fantastical display of desserts from the middle east when another stall caught his eyes. A snake charmer, or a snake oil salesman, had a display of snakes, eggs still scattered around the glass container. The babies were a week old, at most.

“Ah, have I caught your eye?” The man asked, his accent thick with a fakeness that took years to master (and Crowley saw through easily). “They are quite new, young, and rare for these parts. Worth a pretty penny.”

Crowley rolled his eyes behind his glasses. He was the original snake, excuse this fake, and these were clearly a species native to Spain, and they were very common there.

But his eyes lingered on the babies…. And the eggs…

A lightbulb went off in his head. His smirk turned pure evil, and the con man seemed to inch away at the dastardly look on the man’s face.

Crowley did not buy any snakes that day, but he did find a glass enclosure, some snake egg shells, and a bit of lining. Oh, and a box of Turkish Delights for Aziraphale after the confusion settled.

It took a little devilish magic to mend the eggs. Life-making was a little harder for both angels and demons these days – that had been a power that had been held mostly by god and ala natural ways now – but he was able to mend the eggs and make them lively enough. He restored the soft shells, the squishy insides, but they lacked the extra fertility to actually hatch. They were alive enough, but they would easily fool the angel until he _really_ looked at them. He lined the cage in soft sand and cast a little miracle to always keep the cage perfectly warm – it added to the illusion, and anything fire and heat hardly counted as a Miracle.

He tapped the delights to the bottom of the enclosure to be found later.

And then he drove up to Aziraphale’s shop only a few hours before he had to load up onto a plane.

He didn’t hesitate as the doors flew open, ignoring the ‘closed for lunch’ sign. It was 3 pm, so Aziraphale likely either forgot to change it or was still on his sixth course. Either way, Crowley didn’t care.

Sure enough, he found the handsome angel in the first aisle, straightening out books. The divine being looked up, a smile on his face.

Crowley found him beautiful, but his face radiated giddiness.

Aziraphale instantly caught on that something was up.

“Hell’s called, take of our children ‘till I get back!” Crowley threw as he stuffed the enclosure into Aziraphale’s confused arms, making sure he was holding it before he released it.

“What… the heck…?”

“Thanks love!” Crowley blew a little kiss, sneaking a picture of Aziraphale with his phone, before he popped out.

The doors closed dramatically behind him, and Crowley waited a full 30 minutes, driving to the airport, before releasing his laughter. His phone began to blow up with questions from Aziraphale, but Crowley had Siri send back “I’m driving” and “forgot charger!” and “see you when I get back in a week!”

Aziraphale grew frantic by the time the phone ‘died.’

Crowley’s crackling in the airport was heard across all of Heathrow. 

* * *

Meanwhile, in a bookshop across town, Aziraphale stared at the little brick phone in his hands. It had a full keyboard and had most of the advanced features disabled, but he could text, call, and take pictures with it. It was the best he could do with his tech proficiency, and he had felt better having a quick way to call Crowley after the Not-Apocalypse. Crowley’s responses were clearly being obtuse, but when the messages no longer went through, he sighed to himself.

He looked to the soft eggs that were tucked into the cage, trepidation as he approached.

“‘ _Our_ children???’” He repeated to himself. “We didn’t… how even… we don’t have sexes!” He yelled-muttered to himself, frantically waving his hands around.

He had no idea what was going on, but, when he spotted the Turkish Delights, he ripped that package opened and started munching on them instantly. The sweetness helped.

“Ok, so somehow I have these children I must watch, and Crowley expects me to keep them alive.” He spoke to himself as he looked at the eggs. He walked around them. Eventually, he dared touch them, and they felt… warm.

Warm.

The shells were so soft, spotted in some areas and with little irregularities. He could already see, what he thought, would be little personalities.

“Oh, you look like a trouble maker.” He spoke softly as he gently tucked a loose egg against its siblings. “Trying to make an escape before you even hatch. Crowley will sure be proud.

“But you look like a good egg.” He stroked the one at the center, which was a tad on the larger side. “A big sibling looking after the rest.

“You’re a fighter.” He giggled to the smallest egg. “And you,” He pointed to a particularly colorful one. “Are going to be a soft child. It’s ok to cry, I’ll tell you now.

“And you.” He looked to the biggest egg, which had a large pale discoloration on the shell. “I think you’ll take after me.” He stroked his big belly with his spare hand. “Round and soft, all good things.”

He stroked each and every egg, falling in love with each more and more as the afternoon wore on. He only snapped out of it when a delivery of books came in, and he had to pull away to sign. Upon realizing that he had no recent books on child care or snake care, he threw a few miracles on top of the container to alert him to trouble before he ran off to the various stores.

He didn’t notice as the eggs soaked up all the angelic magic, full of love, and seemed to plump up a little further, fill out a little more naturally. His ‘troublemaker’ began to wiggle, rolling out of the neat pile, and, in the pale light of a nearby lamp, a snoot was seen through the thin shell of the smallest egg, already eager to get out.


	2. Egg-citing Time to Be a Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley has returned to England ready for the no doubt hilarious backlash from his little prank, but, as it turns out, yolks on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Points at Kudos* *Screaming excitedly*
> 
> *sees comments* *EXCITEMENT INTENSIFIES*
> 
> *sees love and support* *Dies of Happiness*
> 
> AHHHHH I AM SERIOUSLY IN HAPPY TEARS GUYS I LOVE ALL OF THESE COMMENTS SO MUCH AND ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT IS AMAZING! THANK YOU!!!

Crowley returned to England in jovial spirits. While the mob wasn’t as chaotic initially as he’d hoped, the outpour from twitter was purely _fabulous._

Now, he had refused to allow himself to peak at Aziraphale’s messages since he had returned to England. His phone was FILLED with them, and he could only begin to imagine what the Angel was saying. “Ok, ok, I have the eggs. They’re good.” “Crowley I am concerned nothing is happening.” “YOU DASTERDLY DEMON ARE THESE FAKE???” OH the possibilities sang through the demon’s mind.

He was sure Aziraphale would be so confused and threaten to throttle the ‘nasty demon’ for, essentially, making him water a plastic plant for a week. He was sure to feel quite silly, but then Crowley would sweep him off his feet and they’d get lunch and eventually Aziraphale would simmer and Crowley would wiggle cuddles out of him.

Demonic cuddles. Temptation.

(God notes that they were actually adorable cuddles)

The dastardly demon rolled up to the shop, Queen’s _Don’t Stop Me Now_ playing on high. Crowley ignored the closed sign once more as he simply threw the doors open. He could already hear Aziraphale talking in the back office.

Crowley sauntered back, grin wide. He stepped through the door way with a simply delighted “Hey! I’m back!” before the full scene hit him.

He felt his eyeballs somehow shoot out of his head and through his glasses (though this did not happen in actuality, but to someone’s imagination this was hilarious).

But there, humming softly, was Aziraphale, a young snake with some beautiful patterns meekly wrapping around his neck in what looked like a snake sweater. A much larger enclosure with… a water bottle? Food pellets? A PICTURE OF HIS FACE? “Wh-WHAT IS THAT???”

Aziraphale was busy with another sweater for the snakes - even though each already wore one – distracted as he did so. “Ah, yes, well they hatched while you were away, and I didn’t want to name them while you weren’t here. It seemed like something we should do together. I wasn’t sure how to raise the children, but they looked cold and… Crowley…?”

Crowley turned away, not exactly sure how to react. Confusion? Love? Fawning? The eggs weren’t FERTILIZED, let alone READY TO HATCH when he left! How??? What???

And then Aziraphale had to be so freaking ADORABLE about it all! Damn that bastard! He had made BABY SNAKE ONSIES!

And then the enclosure??? He was sure there was heat on it but that set up was ATROCIOUS for snakes HOW WERE THEY STILL ALIVE???

So, Crowley was shaking somewhere between crying and laughing, Aziraphale behind him. “Crowley? Crowley, dear, are you crying?”

The snake hissed worriedly for his other dad.

Turned out, the yolk was on Crowley. 

* * *

It took a few hours before Crowley calmed down and explained the full mental breakdown. How it started off as a prank and now there were five, living, _breathing_ snakes sleeping in the enclosure. Crowley had corrected a few of the items before he sat down – they needed a _water dish_ not a _bottle_ of all things. The pellets seemed to have been nibbled at but not really satisfied, so Crowley tried some cut up, raw chicken (even though he was the king of Snakes, he could not identify their breed beyond ‘vaguely looking like him,’ so he went with his gut – turned out that, like him in his snake form, bird flesh really fit their fancy). He added to his mental check list to get some pinky mice later and maybe even try frogs.

(Above, God began to further note how Crowley’s parental instincts were kicking in on high without him realizing).

“They were fake???” Aziraphale threw, disbelief as he held a glass of wine. They’d moved to the sitting room after setting the babies to sleep, even as the smallest one tried to fight to stay awake and one particularly dark one tried to slip out and steal more chicken. They’d been placated with a bit of the classics, and a miracle alarm would alert the angel and demon should something be amiss.

Crowley rubbed his own eyes, setting his glass down. “Yes? Kinda? I made them as alive as the chicken eggs in your fridge. I figured a good examination would tip you off, and I’d have a good laugh.”

“Well, it seems that you went a bit too far.” Aziraphale shook his head. “You gave them life.”

“But I _didn’t.”_ Crowley pointed, waving his hand around and taking a sip of wine. He realized that his glass had run dry, but this was his second, and Aziraphale insisted on keeping it to a minimum ‘in case the kids need us.’ “I did the whole shebang. You know how good at my plans I am. They were just unfertilized eggs when I dropped them off. Made them from some shells and a bit of demonic energy – specifically mine.”

Aziraphale’s eyes widened. “Are you saying I fertilized YOUR eggs???”

Crowley was quiet for a moment too long. “I need more wine.”

“No! The babies!”

“Aw FUCK!” The demon moaned. He snapped his fingers for the wine glass to be replaced with a glass of soda. It was better than nothing. “Well… fuck, I guess?”

“Did we ACTUALLY make kids???”

“YOU THOUGHT THAT ALL WEEK!”

“WELL IT JUST SUNK IN MY DEAR!”

Aziraphale downed the last of his wine.

It was quiet again.

Aziraphale responded first. “I’m not getting rid of them.”

The thought hadn’t occurred to Crowley until that moment – getting rid of them. Sure, as useless eggs, he may have considered eating them. Snakes were sometimes known to eat other snakes depending on diet, though Crowley usually didn’t. Snakes also weren’t known to care for their young very far beyond hatching.

As soon as the thought entered Crowley’s brain, though, his stomach lurched. “No way in heaven and hell.” He responded. “I made them. They’re mine. I’m keeping them.”

The creases in Aziraphale’s face instantly relaxed. They hadn’t really gotten to a point in their weird kinda-dating-kinda-married-kinda-pinning relationship to have even thought of kids, and a small, very small bit of Aziraphale worried about Crowley’s reaction after getting all the facts.

Of course, he scolded himself all of a millisecond later. This was _Crowley,_ the demon who sang songs to the believed-anarchist for a decade, who snuck innocent children onto the Ark to ‘stick it to God,’ the demon who had just a _bit_ of good in him (and was slowly admitting it!) that made every day special and grand when he and Aziraphale were together.

Crowley had a soft spot for kids, as he did Aziraphale, even as he was hard to admit it.

“So then.” Aziraphale set the glass down, walking over to a corner were a pad of paper and a pen sat. He came back with it in hand. “Since they are staying, I started drumming up some names.”

The demon took a moment to look at the angel, and, to anyone else, the yellow eyes would be alarming and frightening, but, to Aziraphale, they were an open book. Confusion, love, acceptance, all flashed quickly before a grin (a soft smile) flled the demon’s face. He schooled it back within a second, but Aziraphale saw it. He tucked that memory into the library within his mind with Crowley’s other soft smiles where he could always find them.

“I got a suggestion.” The demon threw. “Crowley Jrs, one, two, three, four, and five.”

Aziraphale scoffed in shock. “Really?”

“How about Anthony Jr for all of them?”

“You know, maybe I should have named them without you.”

“Hey, they’re my kids!”

“ _Our_ children need better names then just being all Juniors! Honestly, I love your name, dear, but we need originality.” Aziraphale tapped his pad. “I was partial to Bartholomew.”

A freak flash of lightning set the pad of paper on fire, without harming anyone or anything else.

“As the kids would say, RUDE!”

“You’re naming rights are revoked.”

It was a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be back with more soon enough! I try to write a little ahead, so I'll have the next chapter up soon enough!
> 
> Thank you all again! You're all wonderful!


	3. Just an Egg-centric Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's just another normal Tuesday for the family.
> 
> ...cue chaos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM CRYING Y'ALL ARE SO NICE AND GIVE SO MANY GRREAT COMMENTS AND I SWEAR I'LL TRY TO ANSWER ALL BUT AHHHHHHHHHH
> 
> MAKING MY DAYS! (And I hope this makes you all smile, too!)
> 
> Enjoy!

It was a calm Tuesday in the bookstore at the corner of a set of streets in SoHo. It was one of the rare times on the rare days that everything lined up for the shop to be open, and curious customers were fluttering in and out. Really, it was quite normal.

_“AEEEEEEEEEE!”_

A scream broke the quiet of the shop.

Again.

Which was becoming quite normal.

“Tony! Get down from there!”

The woman clutching her heart had dropped her book, the small black snake hissing at her with his big, blue eyes. His scales had darkened after the first shed, so it was clear that he was nearly black all around with a few lighter grey spots, but he could easily blend into the darkness of the shelves.

Which he loved to do just to scare customers.

“What- SNAKE!”

Aziraphale sighed before straightening up, marching forward. “Tony, come down here now. We’ve talked about this.”

Crowley poked his head around the corner, having heard the scream from whatever corner of the world he had been in (which was most likely a lounge somewhere in the building). He smirked at the scene.

Aziraphale, sensing the Demon, turned around with a huff. “Crowley, grab your child!”

“Oh, so he’s MY kid now that he’s in trouble.” The demon smirked as he sauntered forward. He extended his arm, and the little snake, just under a foot long, clambered over.

“PESTS!”

“Oh, no, you misunderstand.” Aziraphale waved his hand. “Tony just takes after his father. He’s a bit of a trouble maker.”

“Well, this is unacceptable! And I refuse to buy from a place with such… such dangerous creatures!” She insisted. She picked up the book, shoving it at Aziraphale, and stomped out. Aziraphale hardly had the chance to explain that Tony, nor any of his kids, seemed to be venomous, let along big enough to do damage.

Then again, she’d called them _pests_ , of all things. _AND_ she’d wanted to buy his books! The _nerve_!

He turned back to Crowley and Tony, who were giggling and hissing to one another. While Crowley understanding the surprisingly intelligent children wasn’t so farfetched, Aziraphale somehow did as well, though the kids hardly spoke anything too radical. They were only a few weeks old, so most of their talking was ‘I want food’ and ‘WRESTLE’ and what not. They spoke like many young children learning how to, but in a way only Crowley and Aziraphale could understand.

However, it was clear from a distance that Crowley was _not_ chiding the boy for pulling such a prank, so Aziraphale had to be the Adult here.

(As God would note, Aziraphale was bad at punishments, and he _really didn’t want to)_.

“Now young man,” He began as he approached the two. Instantly, both snakes shot up at Aziraphale’s Adult TM voice.

“Yes, angel?” Crowley replied.

Aziraphale couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “Tony,” he clarified, “what have we said about scarring the customers?”

“ _Not to?”_ He hissed, making his eyes big and round and adorable. He had just the slightest hints of teal at the center that came out when he pulled this, which really didn’t help.

“And why did you?”

_“Fun!”_

Crowley grinned, the bastard.

“Yes, but you gave the lady a scare, which is mean.” Aziraphale tried to teach.

_“But she want eat book.”_

Aziraphale blinked. “I’m sorry, what?”

_“Eat book. She worm.”_

_Bookworm._ Aziraphale’s brain clarified, which made the angel laugh a little. The man softened. “Well, I guess that’s good, but grab your father or I in the future, ok?”

Tony perked up. _“OK! I find Jules.”_ He said before slithering down his other father masterfully and slinking off, looking for his sibling.

Crowley smirked as he turned to Aziraphale. “Encouraging him now, eh?”

Aziraphale blushed. “He was doing good! He thought she would eat the books!”

Crowley chuckled before pecking Aziraphale on his cheek, causing the red to intensify. “Riiiighttt.” He laughed. “But, really, you just didn’t like that woman.”

The angel sighed. “I really didn’t. She’s been pestering me for weeks about a book I have, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer, even though the thing really needs museum – or me – level care.”

“Right, a wanker. Glad we’ll never see her again.” The demon now had a mischievous grin. “So if that’s the reaction to our kid, what do you think would happen if a very long, very big snake showed up?”

“Dear, I swear that if you give someone a heart attack again, I WILL skin you myself for some new shoes!” Aziraphale protested with mock anger.

In the far corner, a very pale grey snake, near white, with large yellow eyes slunk up to a windowsill where two snakes were bathing in the sun and looking onto a tablet displaying cartoons. She was a bit longer then a foot, but slim, while the two in the sun were different. One was about fourteen inches in length, a pale grey with a darkened underbelly (as opposed to the other’s pink splotches) and big blue eyes. He was also, by far, the largest around, should Crowley be taken out of the equation. The other was a kaleidoscope of colors – all shades of grey, white, black, and splotches of pink across their scales. Their eyes, like their scales, were a mix, one yellow, and the other blue.

_“What happened now?”_ The palest one asked.

_“Wha? Oh, hi Ezra.”_ The kaleidoscope snake said.

_“Hi Freddie.”_ She replied. _“Jules?”_

The largest snake rolled their eyes. _“Tony.”_

“ _Ah.”_ The pale snake nodded. _“Where dad I want bath.”_

 _“Making goo-goo eyes at Papa.”_ Jules responded.

_“Ewwwwwww.”_ The other two hissed.

_“I wait.”_ She huffed before looking over, another person, this time a man, screaming and cursing. _“Uhg, did Tyson pick fight?”_

 _“I have money on snek.”_ Freddie responded helpfully.

_“What does that mean?”_ Jules looked up.

_“I don’t know. Dad says a lot when Tyson picks fights.”_

A faint hiss of _‘Wasn’t me!’_ came over the air as Aziraphale fluttered over to the customer, who quickly found that the little snake refused to let him check out. Meanwhile, the man’s son was cooing at the little snake on the table. Crowley, as if by a miracle, suddenly had pom-poms in his hands, cheering on the little snake.

Freddie and Jules went back to watching Steven Universe on the tablet. 

* * *

After Tyson ‘fought off’ another customer, Ezra finally did get her little pool filled to swim and lounge in. In a room that was once a spare bedroom, many plants and playthings were now stored. When it became clear that their little babies were more intelligent than the average snake, to the point of higher sentience, the Angel and Demon had made a space for them to roam more. Sure, they still had their terrarium with the big light, but that was usually just where they all slept on top of one another or hid when they were extra tired. In one corner was a box filled with all sorts of scrap fabric and cloth, which was one of Tony’s favorite places to hide their toys and themselves, but there were also lots of plants there under STRICT instructions not to look bad in front of the kids. Tyson, for the fact that he fought everyone and thing, actually was really soft to the plants and loved to tangle themselves up in the branches and leaves. Another bin in the corner was a mix of pet and child toys – whatever really suited the fancy of the kids – as well as several children’s books, a wall with colored paints and paper, and a big window for them to sunbathe in and look out of. It was a Miracle it all fit in what was once a tiny room.

Ezra loved to swim around in the baby pool. She’d always liked water, and it felt great on her scales as she wiggled around. Her dad would always add little floaties, and Papa made sure that she was always able to get in and out easily. A warm towel always sat next to the thing for when she was done (which really meant ‘when she had to get out’).

The door was always cracked open so they could get in and out, so when Tony flopped in as dramatically as a little snake could (which was a lot all things considered), he made sure to let the occupants know.

_“IIIIiiiiiitttchyyyyyyy!”_ She whined, rolling around on the floor.

Tyson peaked out from a bush, having been rubbing against a branch. _“Dad says shed again.”_

_“IIIIIIIiiiiitchhhhhyyyyyyy!!!”_

Ezra ducked under the water, trying to hide from her idiotic siblings, before two bodies came splashing into the pool. HER pool!

“ _Hey!”_ She shouted, only to get a face full of water.

_“Not itchy!”_ The larger of the two dark snakes grinned as they soaked, loosening some of the skin that was already coming loose.

Ezra retaliated by splashing them back.

Crowley came by a little later as the little snakes had made a right mess of the area, which he 100% supported if it wasn’t going to ruin the floors. He smirked at the little snakes tiring themselves out before he entered. “Having fun?”

_“IIIIIIiiiithhhhhyyyyyyyyy aaaagggaiiiinnnnnn!”_ Tony bemoaned as she flopped on the town where Tyson tried to wrap himself up. Ezra, of course, was sunbathing in the significantly-shallower pool.

“Ah, you guys are growing so fast.” Crowley grinned, faking a tear. “One day, you’ll be as big as me and taking over the world.”

_“Can I eat book eaters?”_

“Go for it!”

_“I fight them!”_

“Just do it with style, kid.” Crowley added with a smirk as he came over, snapping the areas dry and adding more water to the pool. Ezra sighed and rolled to her belly, completely content.

Crowley helped dry off his second oldest and youngest, who were two terrifying toddlers. They took a lot after him, not just in coloration but in general attitude and being more beings of chaos. Aziraphale’s influence was clear, though, in that they were only using their chaotic powers for good.

For now.

Crowley helped the two out and helped them itch the spots that were bugging them the most. Sections along their spines had come loose from the water, and the babies just wanted the skin off. Crowley understood completely – he only shed every one hundred years or so, but it was annoying and itchy like no one’s business. His expert hands rubbed a bit of demonic magic to help the ‘terrifying’ creatures, which was totally evil.

His little devils seemed to have more surprises, though, as he helped remove a section of skin, and a small feather poked out from the new skin. Crowley paused, seeing the addition, before gently moving it, revealing tiny, bald wings with just a few down feathers beginning to sprout in tones matching their respective scales.

“Oh shit.” The demon swore as he scooped them all up (including a wet Ezra, who complained at the sudden removal). “AAAAZZZIRRAPHAAALEEE!” Crowley called as he ran through the store.

It was just another Tuesday…

…where nothing could be conventionally normal for this family. Ever.

(And they wouldn’t have it any other way)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, we couldn't let them be NORMAL snakes, now could we?
> 
> \---
> 
> Also, for imagery: (oldest to youngest)
> 
> Ezra - she/her - largely very pale - near white - scales and yellow eyes. Second largest build. Big Sister energy.
> 
> Tony - she/he/they - very dark grey scales with blue eyes that look teal in the center. Second smallest kid. LOVES to pull pranks. Chaotic child.
> 
> Freddie - he/they - The crier. Scales are patches of many shades from white to black and pink. Heterochromia (one eye yellow, other blue). Pretty much middle kid in terms of build.
> 
> Jules - He/she/they - BIGGEST BOI! Very soft and pale grey with darker underbelly, but has prettiest blue eyes. Just wants to relax.
> 
> Tyson - Usually he/him - Tiny child and WILL FIGHT YOU! Mid tone grey scales, and has sharp yellow eyes. Very tiny creature but so much fight.


	4. Snakes of a Feather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Normally, when kids develop something odd, the parents are advised to seek specialists.
> 
> There are no specialists on the winged snakes toddlers of an angel and a demon, so then we go to plan B.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Pulls myself up from the pile of love in this fandom*
> 
> YOU GUYS ARE THE GREATEST!!!
> 
> Also fun fact on sneks! I intended for them all to have more gender-neutral names because I wanted to have wiggle room on future genders. Tony and Ezra are kinda named after Crowley and Aziraphale (Tony is a nickname for Anthony, and Ezra sounded like Zira, a common fan nickname for Aziraphale). Jules is a reference to Jules Verne, a famous author, while Freddie is, of course, Freddie Mercury.
> 
> Then I struggled with the last one while writing about their chicken eating, and all I could think of was Tyson chicken nuggets. Sure, there's Mike Tyson, but yeah... Tyson is named after chicken nuggets (though we'll say he's named after a famous fighter).
> 
> On with the show!

“So your kids – which you accidentally made out of magic and thought were just snakes – sprouted wings and are smarter than the average bear?” Anathema clarified as she looked between the Angel and Demon on her opposite sofa. She was on the loveseat as five snakes in a baby carrier were napping by the window. Their sheds were coming along, and, though she couldn’t see it from here, she knew that there were little feathers on their backs.

Newt came in with a laptop wearing his special gloves. Upon learning of the blessing/curse that Newt had, Adam had decided that ‘it wasn’t fair’ and that had somehow created the gloves. His powers weren’t enough anymore to change reality, but he could apply little patches here and there (Crowley and Aziraphale had decided to keep in contact with the Tadfield bunch just in case).

The gloves, as it turned out, helped Newt stop breaking things when he used technology. Touch screens still didn’t work because no skin contact, but laptops and what not suddenly became available to the tech nerd. He was over the moon and currently doing his computer engineering classes online.

So, when he sat down with his laptop, he had easily pulled up the first link on ‘winged snakes.’ Wikipedia was great.

“I diagnose them with feathered serpents.” Newt nodded. “Quetzalcoatl, Kukulkan, yeah… you guys should know about this, right?”

“Mesoamerican, correct?” Aziraphale questioned. “We spent a few years there, doing our respective jobs, but religion hadn’t taken root yet.”

Anathema looked over the description. “This definitely sounds like a fusion of you two. ‘Divine being’ and ‘able to be amongst man.’”

Newt had listened to their story of how the babies came to be, and it definitely didn’t fit the ‘birds and the bees’ talk he got as a younger man, so he suspended disbelief, as he had to these days.

Crowley just nodded. “Welp.” He looked at Aziraphale, who was tucked under a lazy arm that he threw behind the couch. “I blame you.”

“Me???”

“Yup. All your fault. You and your weird angelic magic.” He grinned teasingly.

Aziraphale, in a way, ‘fluffed’ up to look bigger. “Well, this is just as much your fault as well.”

“Explain.” Crowley threw.

Aziraphale lifted an eyebrow and gestured to all of him.

Crowley crackled even as he blushed.

Anathema and Newt shared a look that somehow said ‘old married couple’ as they jutted to Crowley and Aziraphale.

One of the snakes flopped out of the carrier, as Anathema noticed as Crowley and Aziraphale playfully flirted/made fun of one another. This one was… Freddie? Yes, Freddie had the mess of scales. He slithered over in his little pink sweater and hissed at the two dads. As it turned out, anyone proficient in the magics could understand the snakes to some extent, so she caught bits of it. Newt was, of course, left clueless.

_“Daaadddd…. Papppaaaa….”_ The colorful snake caught their attention. _“Want cuddles.”_

“Oh, of course, sweetheart.” Aziraphale cooed as he scooped up the little snake. He held the baby close to his chest as Freddie climbed up. After looking between both his dads, he tucked himself across Crowley’s shoulders, hiding half under his shirt, as his little wing popped out and smacked Crowley’s cheek.

“Bugger.” Crowley said without any bite as he tucked the loose wing under the warm sweater. It was quite a soft moment.

“So, anyway,” Newt broke the moment. “How’s London?”

“Oh, you know, the same as usual.” Crowley replied easily. “Chaotic, messy, a disaster to drive in if you aren’t me.”

“And the DREADED customers…” Aziraphale added.

Newt looked at the angel. “That’s something I was wondering.” Newt pointed. “If you hate selling books, why not rebrand as a library? Then people won’t have to take them.”

Aziraphale opened his mouth to respond, but paused. He suddenly looked like he’d been told the secrets of God’s Ineffable Plan. “That’s… that’s brilliant. I’d never have to sell another book ever again.”

“Huh, yeah, and then you’d also get to decide who takes them home and who doesn’t.” Anathema nodded. “Like with a special library card because they are so rare.”

Crowley, similarly, was looking a little shocked. “Why DID you never open a library?”

“I don’t know! I just always thought ‘book store’ made so much sense!” Aziraphale waved his hands, trying not to jostler the kid. “Why did I never think of this???”

Anathema leaned over to Newt. “Good idea.”

“Not really mine.” Newt admitted in a hushed tone. “I saw it on a Yahoo review.”

“I can do the changeover on Monday! Maybe Tuesday. We’ll see how lunch goes.” 

* * *

When the afternoon rolled around, and the kids were released from school, the Them, of course, ended up at the Cottage.

“Why are we here again?” Pepper asked as they approached.

Adam shrugged. “I have a feeling.”

“She always has good snacks.” Wensleydale pointed out.

Brian shrugged. “As long as Newt helps me with my homework. This math class is killing me.”

Dog boofed happily. While he wasn’t allowed in the school itself, he would often walk with Adam to school, hang out outside the school all day, and walk home with him. Adam had tried to get him to stay home, but he always ended up slipping out. The school had tried to get the dog off the property, but, like Adam, Dog had just enough Hellhound in him to be impossible to get rid of completely. At most, the dog would hide at the edge of the schoolyard until Adam came out.

The Them came along and knocked on the door. It took a few moments for Newt to open the door, and, from within, there was sounds of chaos. Newt smiled tiredly as he looked over the four. “Hey kids. Want to come in? Messers Aziraphale and Crowley are here with their kids.”

“The angel and demon?” Brian asked. “When did they have kids?”

“It’s a recent thing.” Newt shrugged.

“Awe… babies!” Wensleydale cooed.

“Ew… babies…” Pepper hissed.

Newt chuckled as he let them in. “I don’t think they’ll be quite what you are thinking.”

Sure enough, there were now five snakes with varying states of wing growth and shedding rolling around in the living room. One had a crayon in its tail as it drew, another was wrestling with a stuffed animal, one kept desperately trying to climb every tall thing to ‘test his wings,’ and the two divine beings were running around all of them. Anathema looked like she had no idea what to do.

It was quite a scene.

The palest one looked up from where she was messing with a tablet. _“Hello. Friends?”_

“Hi.” Adam waved. “Yeah, we’re friends, I think?”

“Who are you talking to?” Pepper questioned.

“Her.” Adam gestured to Ezra. “She was asking if we were friends.”

“All I heard was hissing.” Brian pointed out.

“I think we need introductions before we can be friends.” Wensleydale noted.

“I think you speak snake now.” Pepper stated. “Like Harry Potter.”

“Wicked.” Brian threw.

Dog barked, tail wagging excitedly.

“Well, I guess I can.” He turned back to the snake. “Can you understand us?”

_“Yup.”_ Ezra nodded. _“Your friends sound weird. Like lizard man.”_

“What? Lizard man?” Adam questioned.

“I think she means me.” Newt said as he came past. “Newt, lizard… yeah.”

“Ah, that makes sense.” Brian nodded.

“She says you guys sound weird.” Adam snickered. “But, yeah, I’m Adam, and these are my friends, Pepper, Brian, and Wensleydale. Oh, and Dog.”

_“Hi! I’m Ezra. Those are my siblings – Tony, Freddie, Jules, and Tyson.”_

“She says her name is Ezra.” Adam said to his friends. “And her siblings are Tony, Freddie, Jules, and Tyson.”

“Oh, hey, it’s the Kid.” Crowley noticed as he looked, another snake in his hands. “You causing chaos with my kids?”

“Not really.” Brian shrugged. “We just got introduced.”

“You guys want to play with us?” Pepper offered.

The snake in Crowley’s hands – Freddie – jumped up. _“Yassssss.”_

“Yeah, ok, just stick nearby, kay?” The other kids didn’t notice, but Adam felt as Crowley added a little magic, probably to keep eyes or safety or something. “Cause some chaos for me.”

“You can use the backyard.” Newt offered.

That was how the universe found five feathered snake toddlers, the antichrist, three human children, and a hellhound in the backyard of a witch and witchfinder, recreating the Invasion of Troy while an Angel and a Demon watched (adding historical facts or chaotic suggestions along the way). The angel and demon cuddled on the back porch, sharing coffee with the Witch and Witchfinder when they came with snacks, the adults all happy if not a bit confused by their game. The little snakes, meanwhile, rode the ‘horse’ (aka Dog) to the ‘gates’ (cardboard box) walls of Troy, Pepper insisting the gift of the item as Brian, Wensleydale, and Adam decided if they wanted to look a gift horse in the mouth.

(Strangely enough, though, by the end of the day, the nonmagical humans found themselves understanding the hissing snakes, if only by a combination of angelic blessing, hellish chaos, and the antichrist just deciding ‘this is annoying to keep translating we should all understand each other').

It was a good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all again! More shenanigans to come from the Crow-Fell fam!


	5. A Chirp Off the Old Block

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale contemplates some things while reading in bed, but he soon finds his thoughts interrupted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *CONTINUES TO LOVE YOU ALL*
> 
> THANK YOU FOR ALL THE LOVE!
> 
> Also, if you are wondering what Aziraphale's phone looks like, [it's kind of like this](https://www.bestusedcellphones.com/media/catalog/product/cache/1/thumbnail/600x/17f82f742ffe127f42dca9de82fb58b1/d/s/dsc_1956-07-29-16_9.jpg)

When the babies were born, Aziraphale and Crowley had, admittedly, been in a stage of ‘relationship’ that didn’t really have a human name for it. After all, they were still friends – best friends, which Aziraphale now accepted whole-heartedly, but they were also becoming more than that. Without heaven and hell standing between them, they ventured beyond just friends in some ways. They spent long hours sitting close to one another and talking about deeper feelings without needing alcohol to loosen lips, they held hands sometimes in public, they cuddled and shared their days together.

Being divine beings, doing the ‘horizontal tango,’ as Crowley so eloquently put it, was an… odd endeavor. It could be done, in many ways in fact, but they did not draw the same pleasure from it as humans did. Demons could drink upon temptation from a lustful meeting while certain Angels could take great gratification from the love. For Crowley, though, he didn’t really do lustful actions. He much preferred chaos and letting humans do the rest. Aziraphale could feel love in general, but the idea of ‘doing it’ with anyone seemed, for lack of better terms, ‘icky.’ As neither had the draw to perform the act, they didn’t.

(As God would add: This was decided one night when they were cuddling on the couch, preening feathers and helping with itchy scales, and Aziraphale felt the need to clarify because he’d always been told of Demons’ ‘preferences,’ and he needed Crowley to know that he didn’t share that. Turned out, once again, that the word of Heaven was baloney, and Crowley was actually super chill with it. It was the first time, though, that Aziraphale was assured for his differences and found himself kissing Crowley on the temple, drawing a blush from the demon. It was utterly adorable.)

Since the kids had entered the picture, nothing had changed much beyond proximity. Because Aziraphale’s shop was much bigger then Crowley’s flat, Crowley converted the space to be primarily office and storage. Storage, because he helped clean out lots of storage rooms with things like broken chairs from the 30s that Aziraphale clung on to. Crowley told him to fix them or dump them, which meant fix and store them so Crowley could have somewhere to sleep. This only happened for one room, though, that became the kids’ room, and Crowley now slept with Aziraphale when he so choose (which was every night).

Aziraphale didn’t really do sleep in the past unless he burned his magical reserves out, such as a particularly large miracle, but he got into a habit of sitting in bed as Crowley slept, reading and relaxing, because Crowley loved his cuddles.

This also meant that he was awake when the door inevitably opened in the middle of the night.

Aziraphale had actually begun to dose at this point, but he looked up as Jules slithered in. He was now a foot and a half long, and his little wings were full and fluffy. At the rate the wings were coming in, the flight feathers would be growing in soon. His choice of PJs was the dark little night shirt with stars, slits open in the back for his wings.

He flapped his wings, almost as if trying to fly, but Aziraphale leaned over to see the lad. “Hello, honey. What’s the matter?”

Jules paused to look. _“Uh… I had a nightmare._ ” He folded in on himself some. _“I couldn’t sleep.”_

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jules shook his head ‘no.’ “Ok. How can I help? Milk and cookies?” Another characteristic of the kids as they grew was that, while they still loved meats, they now preferred it cooked along with other more human delicacies. They ate more regularly then average snakes, which the Angel and Demon attributed to their heritage.

Jules shook his head ‘no’ again.

Crowley hissed as he somehow contorted himself further around Aziraphale. Aziraphale was sure Crowley had somehow made his entire human form made of putty from the way he twisted and curled in his sleep. The tired eyes of one demon peered over Aziraphale’s shoulder. “Wass up? Julie baby?”

_“Hi dad.”_ Jules hissed.

Crowley mumbled as he saw the wall clock. Without further information, he turned back to the snake. “Cuddles?”

Jules perked up. _“Yes please!”_

Within a few minutes, the lights were out. Aziraphale added some magic so that neither Crowley or himself accidentally crushed the sleeping baby tucked between them as Crowley snuggled himself under Aziraphale’s chin. Aziraphale carded one hand through Crowley’s hair while the other tucked Jules in.

“How did you guess what he needed so fast?” Aziraphale whispered to the demon.

“Snake intuition.” Crowley grumbled.

“Hmmmm.” Aziraphale hummed. “I don’t think that’s the full answer.”

“It isss.” Crowley dug deeper into Aziraphale’s flannel shirt.

“Hmmmmmmmm.”

“Uhg…” Crowley didn’t look up as he added quietly. “This is a secret, and if you tell anyone, I’m feeding all the books to the worms.”

Aziraphale gasped. “So serious secret.”

“Serious, serious.” Crowley now sounded totally drunk on exhaustion as he faded in and out, eyes drooping closed. “Secret snake fact: we find a particular angel very soothing to cuddle with. He runs away all the nightmares with a flaming sword.”

Aziraphale blushed as he giggled. “All snakes then?”

“Dunno. Only tested it with a few.” The King of Snakes himself added. “But this snake certainly proves the point. And Jules.”

“And Jules.” Aziraphale kissed Crowley’s hairline. “Go to bed, sweetheart.”

“Sap.”

“Love you, too.” The Angel stroked Jules’ wing so gently as to not wake the baby. “Both of you.”

“I know.” Crowley grinned, Aziraphale missing the reference. “And we love you, too.”

Aziraphale felt drowsy himself as he was awash with the warm, fuzzy feelings of love in the room. As he focused on those feeling, he could even touch the dreams they came from. Flashes of parks and benches, snacks and trips, fast drives and hand holding, crossed his mind from one angle as the other was filled with laughter, cartoons, games and a few pranks (as Tony tended to tempt Jules into his brand of trouble). More love filled in through the doorway from the bedroom next door where his four other babies slept.

Aziraphale drifted off filled with love…

…and woke up to a feather in his mouth.

Aziraphale choked on the feather as he looked to see another snake, this one Freddie, draped across his neck and up to his mouth, where his wings fell on his mouth until he woke. He found Ezra parked firmly in the nook of his arm and over his shoulder, while Tony snuggled into his hair. He thought Tyson wasn’t there for a moment before he felt the shift on top of the pillow between him and Crowley, where Jules had been. Tyson draped between him and Crowley across Jules. Crowley, of course, completed the utterly trapped look as he snaked his way around Aziraphale’s midsection and legs with his own appendages.

Aziraphale sighed as he tried to move.

_No dice._ He thought as six bodies simultaneously snuggled closer to him.

Sighing again and no longer tired, he flicked his wrist as his last book flew from the table to his hand. He managed to scoot Ezra up enough to free his arm without waking her, and he hovered the book above his head. A dim Halo appeared above his head, dim because he didn’t want to wake the kids, but it emitted enough light for Aziraphale to read. Crowley grumbled in his sleep and burrowed further into Aziraphale to get away from the light, but the snakes basked in the warmth and were further relaxed by it.

Aziraphale read until it became a proper time to wake everyone up.

A bird chirped when the sun rose, and six snakes simultaneously whined as their squishy, warm pillow of angel finally managed to wiggle free to make breakfast, Crowley being the worst offender.

They were really a chip off the old block.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU AGAIN!!!!


	6. Bird’s Eye View

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While doing errands, Aziraphale makes a visit to a bit of an odd friend.
> 
> A little Interlude from the woman with her mind's eye open!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAAAAAAAAAAAA THANK YOU ALL!!!!
> 
> Sorry for the time between updates! I may have to space them out a bit more. Life, my friends. It's crazy.
> 
> Enjoy!

Madame Tracey looked around as she focused. She had a fellow across from her trying to contact his deceased brother over some lost treasure of the family’s. She began to outstretch her senses, trying to feel for anything in the beyond.

Now, sometimes, admittedly, she had to do Cold Reads. Sometimes, the spirits just weren’t there, but she didn’t want people leaving angry and upset, so she tried to read their lines, boost a signal, something to help. If nothing else, her tea and biscuits could also help, and sometimes people just needed someone to talk to.

However, she was still sensitive to the supernatural, and her powers had grown after the whole near end-of-the-world scenario.

“Dale? No, Derrek. Derrek Stone of Surrey.” The man perked up across from her. “Is that your brother?”

“Y-yes!”

“I seem to be getting something.” She sensed his presence, faint as it may be. Seemed he was in a bad mood and didn’t want to help.

As she tried to prod for the spirit to come and help, someone knocked on her door. The man jumped. “Is that my brother?”

“No, no.” She shook her head, sighing. “Come in!” She called.

She thought it might be Mr. Sheffield, but, to her slightest disappointment, it was not. Still, the person was not a displeasing sight. “Ah, sorry to trouble you. Was in the neighborhood and decided to come by.”

Madame Tracey smiled. “Mr. Aziraphale! What a lovely surprise! If you don’t mind waiting in the sitting area, I’m trying to contact this man’s brother.” She felt herself grimace even as she tried to stay happy.

The angel nodded, but, as he left to sit, he waved his hand. Suddenly, a soft feeling descended over Madame Tracey, and the spirit was before her – she wasn’t possessed, but it was like he was sitting next to her at the table.

It took a few questions with the man STILL being stubborn, but eventually they got some clues as to where the lost heirlooms were. Apparently, he was a slob and dumped a lot of stuff in an old storage unit in Surrey. He thinks it might be there.

After that he said a few choice words about his brother (which the polite woman chose not to pass on), the spirit buggered off. The brother left with a few choice words about his brother as well, but he seemed to have a path to search now. He thanked the Madame and apologized for holding her up.

Once he left, she sighed and turned to the angel. She always left some biscuits out for waiting customers, and the angel had seemingly had a few. “Seriously, Madame, you MUST share with me this recipe!”

She smiled in return. “Sorry, my dear, but family secret, though I promise to make you a box. I’m assuming you pushed the spirit to help?”

He smiled guiltily. “I could see him causing you undo trouble, and I thought it unfair. It was a Miracle that you happened to smell like his favorite treat as a child, and he helped if only to take it in.”

She tutted him for interfering, but she couldn’t be mad. Those brothers continued to have bad history, even in death, and it was sometimes annoying to be the Medium in the middle. She made up some fresh tea and brought a box of the freshest biscuits out for the man, who was delighted and happy to dig in.

The Madame didn’t have any other schedules that afternoon, and so the two had time to talk about life and catch up. Sharing a body and saving the world tended to make an interesting relationship, and so they remained friendly acquaintances, occasionally seeing each other to catch up. Aziraphale and the old Witchfinder still had some bad blood (or the divine equivalent), so he just tried to steer clear of the man that Madame Tracey was infatuated with.

When she asked about the bookstore, Aziraphale was delighted to tell her of his recent changeover to a Rare Books Preservation Library. He made a point that most people could come in and read, and Crowley’s gift was an industrial copier should anyone want to make copies as well as a WIFI router for students (though they had to pay a pound to use it, that rascal snake). Still, after a few days, things smoothly transitioned, and his clientele were largely students looking for research materials and a place to study as well as many professionals pursuing his selection.

“It can still be quite troublesome sometimes, though.” Aziraphale sighed. “I had an older patron come in and ask, still, for the book to be sold or donated to her personal fundraiser or what not. Of course, as soon as Tyson thought someone was trying to take a book, he tried to fight her. She buggered off rather quickly when he gave her the drop.”

The Medium lifted an eyebrow. “Oh? Who is that?”

Aziraphale paused, looking a bit confused, before surprise crossed his face. “Oh my Lord, I haven’t told you!” He dug out his phone, messing with the buttons before showing the woman the screen,

A small snake covered in paint, displaying a picture of what appeared to be two men holding hands, was shown. The artwork was quite childish, and the snake looked proud.

Madame Tracey was normally not a fan of snakes, but this one was downright adorable. “Awww…. What an adorable sweetie!”

“Isn’t he? This is Freddie, the middle kid.” He pushed a few buttons before displaying a bunch of snakes in a pile on a bean bag chair, each cuddling a stuffed animal as Crowley tried to tuck each in individually. “This was nap time a while back. Crowley bought them all the toys, and they each have their favorite stuffed animal.”

Madame Tracey giggled as she looked, but her keen eye noticed something. “Mr. Aziraphale, are those wings..?”

“Ah, yes, you see…”

About two hours later, Aziraphale had caught the woman up on all the shenanigans that he and Crowley had gotten into that had led to them gaining five snake children with greater than average intelligence. She laughed and jibbed through, much like she would in her youth at some of the trouble her old girl friends would get up to.

“So now I have to hide the chicken nuggets because Tyson will even try to eat them cold.” Aziraphale shook his head. “I don’t know why Crowley bought them! I can make them from scratch! And Jules is getting too smart for their own good. They’ve begun to figure out numbers and has been playing on the microwave. One of these days, they’re gonna figure it out, and my kitchen will be flooded by nuggets.”

The woman laughed. “Oh, oh but that is so precious! Rather ingenious little buggers, it seems.”

“I blame their father.” He chuckled.

“Which one?”

“Both.”

Madame Tracey smiled and nodded, taking another sip of her tea when she noticed that she had run low. “Oh my, have we really run out?”

Aziraphale lifted his head to look at the wall clock and gasp. “Where has the time gone? I must get home!”

“Prior engagement?” She questioned.

“Well, somewhat.” He stood with a tense smile. “As much as I love Crowley, he is truly a Demon who loves chaos. He took the children for a ride around the city in the bassinet, but if they are cooped up for too long… I fear for my shop!”

“And the children?”

“No, no, they’ll be fine.” Aziraphale waved them off. “The rest of London? Now that is fair game.”

As he said this, the lights flickered in the flat for a moment.

Then, the TV turned on, as if by magic (or God).

“Hello this is Hellena Storm, reporting live from the London Eye. This afternoon’s power surges has had the famous landmark at a standstill for the last half an hour, and rescue crews have been called in to get the visitors to safety as they investigate the source of the disruption. As you can see, many visitors from around the world are trapped in the cars…”

The camera panned to circle the wheel as the woman spoke, but it soon zoomed in on a surprisingly empty cart at the very top of the Eye. Aziraphale used a Miracle to enhance the scene.

Sure enough, he recognized that relaxed stance and, more importantly, that stroller anywhere.

Madame Tracey watched on. “Poor people. Can’t be much fun to be stranded.”

“Unless you are a toddler… a very big one.” Aziraphale shook his head as he took his coat. “Seems I am making a visit to Lambeth. Thank you again for the biscuits and tea, my dear.”

“Please, it’s a pleasure.” She assured as she helped him out, giving him the biscuits for the road. “Don’t be a stranger! I’d love to hear all about your children’s and husband’s shenanigans.”

Aziraphale blushed. “Well, uh, yes, thank you, though Crowley and I aren’t exactly married as you humans see it.”

She waved her hand. “You two give off the feeling of an old couple, Mr. Aziraphale. It doesn’t take a Medium to see it, but I can refer to him differently if it helps.”

Aziraphale looked for a moment. “No, no, if just between us.” He blushed deeper. “I do quite like the word. ‘Husband.’” He giggled.

The news grew louder as a shocking display of fireworks shot over London.

Aziraphale’s blush dropped some as the Angel adjusted his jacket. “That man just HAD to make it a show, didn’t he? Ah, time to do damage control! Good-Evening, Madame!”

“Ta-ta!” She laughed as he ran. Shaking her head, she closed the door. She kept the news on as she cooked dinner for herself and Mr. Sheffield, which, about 30 minutes later, reported that the visitors were calmed and not panicked by the accidental release of fireworks from a ship coming through London, carrying cargo, and a maintenance worker at the nearest electrical facility managed to find the error in the system to fix it. The Eye was still closed for the evening as they did repairs, but she did spot a familiar angel waiting at the bottom of the Eye, hands on his hips as he waited for his husband’s and children’s car to come down. The camera cut away before she could watch the aftermath.

Madame Tracey turned off the television as she went to invite her dashing neighbor over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again! See you in the next chapter!


	7. Daddy's Bad Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has bad days, and Crowley has seemingly hit the Jackpot on them recently.
> 
> Thankfully, he's got a loving family to hopefully make this one better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALL THE FLUFF!
> 
> THANK YOU FOR THE KINDNESS AND ENJOY!!!

It had started in the night. Nightmares, the one downside to sleep, had plagued Crowley like there was no tomorrow. Aziraphale stayed up throughout the night, every time seeing his husband disturbed and gently waking him. He didn’t get tired, but the last few days for Crowley had been tiring – demons were mobilizing around the world, and he was keeping as many tabs on them as he could. The angels hadn’t reacted as such, yet, but they were worried every day that, in the blink of an eye, the whole world would change as Heaven and Hell descended.

Thankfully, it seemed that it was just restless demons, but there was no organization for their madness. All were just trying to make names like Crowley had, but their acts of chaos were either the old-fashioned temptations or attempts at modernization only for human fail-safes to kick in. Trying to infect a system was much harder with Trojan Detection, and, while Crowley knew how that worked, most demons were still figuring out Dial-up, even worse than Aziraphale.

But the high had not faded, and, being surrounded by demons, Crowley had things come back to him that he didn’t want to think about. His glasses easily hid it amongst his fellow demon – he was a pro at it – but to Aziraphale?

When he’d turned up a few days before, thankful that the world wasn’t ending, he walked in well past bedtime, found Aziraphale, and cried. He couldn’t even tell what had caused this, but he was just so relieved to be home. He kissed his kids, counted each, and seemed only to be soothed a little. He was getting it back together, but today looked like a very bad, no good day.

So he was still in bed, long after Aziraphale was forced to get up. He still had the kids to get going, the library to open (he’d gotten a much better schedule with the looming fear of customers gone), but the angel had been oh-so tempted to shoot the world the bird and stay with Crowley.

Crowley wouldn’t let that be.

“I’m fine.” He insisted. “Just… a bug.”

Aziraphale lifted an eye. “A bug?”

“Yeah. Little stomach bug. Headache, too.”

“Crowley, you can’t get sick by mortal disease.” Aziraphale tried to explain, but when the demon looked up, bags under his eyes and unshed tears, Aziraphale changed his mind.

Crowley never lied to him because they loved and trusted one another, but, it seemed, that he wasn’t trying to lie to Aziraphale but himself.

The demon was having a Very Bad Day, and, the last time this happened, he tried to sleep for several years (again).

Instead of insisting, Aziraphale tucked in his love and pushed the hair from his forehead. “You do seem under the weather.” He advised as he kissed the demon. Outside, a small tumble of clouds began to block the sun, casting shadows over this street corner until the sun’s light no longer shed through the windows directly. “Just rest today, honey. I’ll get you some tea and that tablet of yours with the trashy TV show.”

Crowley looked up. “What? Trashy?”

“Yes. The one about the housewives.”

Crowley smiled a bit. “True hellions. I draw my best inspiration from them.”

Aziraphale rolled his eyes even as he smiled. Crowley’s face still looked heavy, but at least the angel managed a small smile out of the depressed demon.

Aziraphale roused his troops that morning and, after getting the kids fed, he opened the front a bit late. His intrinsic magic would always tell him when someone came in, so he fearlessly headed to the kitchen to get something for Crowley together.

It was here when one of the kids noticed the lack of second dad. _“Papa?”_ Aziraphale looked to see a nervous Ezra and Tony perch up on the edge of the table, the lighter of the two speaking. _“Where’s dad?”_

Aziraphale’s smile faltered for a second before shaking his head. “He’s a bit sick, sweeties.” The angel told the two as he made some tea with Crowley’s favorite and began rifling around the cupboards for his stash of Crowley’s favorite snack. The demon didn’t eat often, simply because he did not draw as much love and appreciation from it as Aziraphale, but he still had his favorites, which Aziraphale tried to keep stocked. The marmite came out, which was a brand new jar that he’d had to hide from the fiend, who would try eating it with a spoon if he found it out in the open (nobody said Crowley’s food habits were normal).

The two snakes shared a look.

_“Is he gonna be ok?”_ Tony asked, trying to hide the concern in his voice like his dad would, but he was an open book when it came to emotions if you knew what to look for.

Aziraphale smiled. “He will be. He just needs time and a little help.”

Ezra straighten up. _“We can do that! I may not have stupid fingers, but I have wings and a tail ready to help!”_ She emphasized this my waving her little wings. They’d managed to distract customers from it by constantly having the kids in little clothing, so any shop goer would assume the wings were part of a little outfit. The wings were getting bigger, and now they were the size to potentially support flight. Ezra managed to lift herself off the counter ever so slightly out of sheer effort. Her wings weren’t yet filled with flight feathers, and she certainly didn’t have the muscle memory yet.

Aziraphale was touched by the kids. He was distracted when the kettle blew, but, as he turned to collect it, he spotted three other heads looking in from the corner. It seemed that they had made the oldests go confront him about the lack of dad.

He shook his head. Thinking about it, there seemed to be a little lightbulb above his head. “I have an idea if you guys want to help.” He looked to the others. “All of you.” 

* * *

Crowley groaned as he began to come out of his dreamless slumber. He’d made a call up to Tadfield when Aziraphale had disappeared to see if the Witch had anything for sleep, because the normal human stuff was usually too weak for him. Thankfully, there was apparently some ‘dreamless sleep’ potion that Anathema kept on hand, because she’d had insomnia for much of her life (her nerves about being Agnes’ hero hadn’t done her any favours as a teen). She had said that it was usually powerful enough to knock her out for several days, the amount that she had given him, but it seemed to only work a few hours when he drank it.

He’d waited long enough in his state for Aziraphale to peak back in with tea. He tried to keep his straight face on, play up an illness, but he knew the angelic being wasn’t buying it. The demon felt bad trying to lie – and he knew that he was bad at it – but he didn’t want to let all the bad sludge in his mind spill out. It felt like oil and shit mixed together, gross and disgusting that would stain the soft, brignt world that they’d carved out in SoHo with one another. In his apartment, maybe, he could have let it go, as he had before, but after seeing the demons… hearing their plans…

They didn’t know about the kids, they didn’t know all the details of his life in London. Most had avoided the country these days, let alone the city, but they knew enough. They liked to push buttons, say things, and demons loved their traditional torture methods.

Traditional was not pretty by any means.

So, as soon as he was on British soil, he’d burned all his reserves to make sure that all of London was clear of angels and demons before stumbling to the shop, very late, and assure himself that the babies and the man he loved were ok.

He tried to relax, to sleep, so hard after that, but his dreams were nightmares, bringing everything back. Even Aziraphale’s assurances couldn’t drive them all away, and, like a bad mold spore, leaving a little would allow them to grow like a plague.

At least he’d finally slept a few hours straight, even as his brain felt like cotton after he began to wake. His eyes took a moment to adjust, but he found that it was probably afternoon at that point. The empty cup of tea that had been on his bedside had been replaced with a glass of water on a coaster, the glass sweating even as all the ice was gone. Human painkillers were there, but the potion, with the instructions, were also gone. He winced, because if Aziraphale looked at the potion and read the instructions, he’d skin the snake.

As he sat up, his muscles aching and his bones hurting, but, when his eyes focused, he saw that there was more by the table.

His eyes first went to the little plant there. He instantly recognized it as one that Tyson was trying to grow. The little thing was barely a sprout, but the snake was so proud and hissed at it constantly. His yelling was more encouragement and ‘do you want the other plants to steal all the sun? Then let’s GROW!’ The pot, though, was a different one then what he’d planted the seed in. It was a terracotta planter with little black wings and snakes painted all over it, with flowers draw on the upper lip. This was, clearly, Freddie’s work.

It didn’t stop there, though. A picture book was pushed up on the counter, _Darth Vader’s Little Princess._ He and Jules had read it after they’d had a Star Wars movie weekend (which was more like a long weekend). The snake had loved it, and she adored the book. They’d also read the other in the series, but she still preferred to read the badass princess tale. A bookmark was there, a sticky note written in a certain angel’s handwriting. _They wanted you to have some light reading_.

Crowley already felt his face wet with tears when his eyes fell on the last few items. A stuffed bear was on the counter, one of Tony’s favorites that usually disappeared in her box when Crowley and Aziraphale weren’t looking. The snake had a few that were her favorites, and she never parted with it if she could help it.

When the demon moved to take it, he found another weight on his legs. He looked down to see a favorite blanket of Ezra’s on the bed. It was smaller, clearly for a smaller child, but it was weighted because Ezra liked the pressure. It reminded her of being underwater.

Crowley wiped his eyes, the smile wide on his face, as he saw the card with the stylized A on the cover. He flipped it open to find a small note from Aziraphale.

_Everyone wanted to help you feel better, dear._ He had written, loopy and soft like the man. _Though we WILL be talking about magical potions and safe use later._ Aziraphale even drew a little emoji-esque angry frowney face at the end, followed by a little heart.

It was signed by Aziraphale as well as scrawled, finger-written (tail-drawn?) signatures. It looked like Aziraphale had written their names in faint pencil, and the little snakes had written over them. Jules, who had the best reading comprehension already, seemed to have written her name by herself.

Crowley felt so proud.

He felt so loved.

_Gross._ He giggled to himself. He didn’t normally do those soft, mushy feelings, he didn’t do _nice,_ but, for this? He could make some exceptions.

His kids were good at tempting that goodness out of him. They got that from their papa.

There was a knock at the door. Crowley looked up as Aziraphale came in. “I was wondering when that potion would wear off.” He looked stern. “You really should have listened to Anathema’s directions…” he began before noticing the tear tracks. “Dear?”

Crowley coughed, snapping his fingers as a pair of sunglasses appeared. “What? Nothing’s going on here. No feelings what so ever.”

Aziraphale still approached. “Are you ok? Really, truly?”

Crowley paused, looking down at all the gifts that his kids and husband (when did he add that word to his lexicon?) had given to him. He smiled lightly. “Maybe not completely.” He looked up with that smile. “But you seem to have some pretty good medicine.”

Aziraphale smiled brightly before pushing Crowley’s bangs from his face, softly kissing his forehead before snatching the glasses.

“Hey!”

“Doctor’s orders! No hiding those pretty eyes behind these!” He said as he set them on the table. Crowley crossed his arms in a huff. “Now, while I have duties to attend to, I believe there are a few nurses wanting to have a movie-marathon with their favorite patient.”

“So we’re gonna watch Jurassic Park, right?”

“Isn’t that PG-13?”

The toddlers had been above and beyond excited to crawl up onto their parents’ bed and watch TV with their dad. Aziraphale had given them a stack of DVDs of ‘approved’ movies for the laptop, but, strangely, the disc player disappeared after Aziraphale had left. Without that, they were ‘forced’ to watch Netflix, including movies that were probably just a _tad_ too old for the kids (Crowley wouldn’t let them not watch a movie that was practically PG if that one character hadn’t sworn _once_ – he swore all the time!)

When Aziraphale closed early for ‘family reasons,’ his patrons understood and head off. When he cleaned and finally headed up to check on everyone, he was blessed to see them all enthralled in some sort of movie about little monster creatures and kids fighting bad guys. He watched from the doorway, not letting his presence known, and just taking in them all.

For Daddy’s Very Bad, No Good Day, it turned out ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO!
> 
> YES Crowley get's a little weepy sometimes. If you tell anyone, he can and will kill you. He's only a cinnamon roll around a very select group of people - mainly his family :)
> 
> Quick note - I'm going to have to space out posts on this fiction to more once every week or so. I'm currently picking back up another fan fiction that I have been on hiatus for a while on as well as working on writing DnD campaigns and starting back up at university soon.
> 
> Otherwise, thanks again for reading! I wish you all a great day!!!


	8. A Snakes’ Favorite Subject is HISS-tory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Snakes get learning a few new thingsss... What might they be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys.
> 
> I just had my USB with all of my data - including my fan fiction files - get bent. It's not accessing, and I have to take it to the computer doctor now.
> 
> But, somehow, I had this fan fiction and another open on my computer at the time, so they were saved from being potentially lost.
> 
> I think God is telling me something.
> 
> On with the show!

The trouble started not with Tony or Tyson, for once, but with Ezra, their good egg.

They were visiting Tadfield again as the kids had come to really love The Them. Of course, having the kids not have to translate and not really hesitate when it came to the fact that some of their new friends weren’t exactly human. In all fairness, Adam wasn’t totally human, either, and kids were surprisingly flexible when their worlds suddenly changed in the craziest ways.

Ezra had slipped away from where they were trying to build a fort out of boxes and random bits that they’d found.

Their wings were finally big and strong enough, so lessons about flying had begun. Most of the kids had just gotten the hang of gliding, but Ezra had even managed to learn to take off and fly slightly from the ground. She flopped herself on her dad’s arm, gaining his attention. _“Dad? When can I start school?”_

Crowley looked a bit shocked at that. “Where’d you hear that, Ezra?”

_“Adam and Brian were talking about their school.”_ She explained. _“It sounds really nice. They have a big pool at the big kids school!_ ”

Crowley bit his lip as he kneeled down, setting the snake on the ground. She was now a foot and a half long, with off-white fluffy wings.

“So… here’s the thing…” He ran a hand through his hair. “So you know how you and the Them look different? How they have hands and feet and you have a tail and wings?”

She nodded.

“Well, schools are a little weird.” He waved his hand, trying to be nice without totally tearing her apart. She was one of his princesses, after all. “So, like, these schools aren’t ready for you. They can’t understand hissing and usually their kids look like, well, humans.”

Ezra’s eyes dropped, her tail curling with her wings. _“So… because I don’t look human, I can’t go to school?”_

“Yeah. I’m sorry, sweetie.” He pecked her head, running a hand down her wings. “If I could get it done, I would, but even my magic has limits.”

She furrowed her brow. _“But… you can turn into a human, right?”_

Crowley paused. “Er…. Kinda.” He removed his glasses. “My eyes always look like this, but I get almost there. Humans aren’t all they’re cracked up to be, though, so don’t worry about it.” He grinned as his form shifted, replacing the lanky human with a snake well over eight feet long. _“Besides, it’s more fun to be a snake.”_ He stretched. _“No stupid limbs.”_ He grinned.

Ezra smiled, but, as the large snake went to go “terrorize” the kids with his eldest, Ezra continued to reflect on what her dad had said. 

* * *

Ezra, later that week, brought it up with her Papa.

“Can I change like your dad?” She nodded. The angel put down his book on the shelf, exactly in its place even as he continued to avoid labeling them with a Dewey decimal system. He knew where they all were, anyway. “Well… Angels don’t do it much these days, but we do have an… ‘Origin’ form, as it is put.” He looked to his oldest. “We usually look more or less like Humans because God said it was best to get used to these forms.”

She bounced slightly. _“Can you show me?”_

Aziraphale bit his lip. It had been a long time… a very long time… and he had gone by a different name back then…

His daughter didn’t need to know all the details. There was a lot to the shifting of forms, especially when the Fall happened, but he could indulge her some without hopefully injuring her. Crowley had mastered his ability to shift ever so slightly, so maybe he could, too.

“Ok, but…” He picked her up and took her to the kitchen, finding a glass platter that he miracle into the thickest tint so that, even if someone looked at the sun, they would not be blinded. He set her behind it as he propped it up and sealed the room. “Ok, just, stay there, unless it hurts, then go under the bread bin behind you and close the lid, ok?”

Ezra looked at the bin before nodding.

Aziraphale didn’t like this, but, now that the question was out there, he, too, was curious. He slowly allowed his powers to leak out slightly. His human physical form softened and he swiftly reigned it in. He didn’t want a full transformation, and he had to be careful.

Ezra saw as her father’s halo appeared super bright, but the pan dimmed it. His arms and legs seemed to shrink with his body, becoming more cloud-like. Like a pudgy cloud. Two wings came from his back, and his form was mostly fluffy clouds. He opened his blue eyes, like the sky, but an additional one appeared on his forehead, and two more eyes appeared below them. His mouth was gone, but he could still speak.

_“How do I look?”_ He asked, hovering over. His little pudgy legs would likely not support him anymore.

Ezra finally came around, the light really not bad anymore, and she grinned and jumped onto him. Aziraphale’s pudgy arms swung around until he caught the snake.

_“So soft!”_ She cooed. _“You’re so warm!”_

The cheeks of the clouds blushed as he chuckled. He had to set her back soon as it was getting awkward to hold this form (he wondered how Crowley did it – he must have had some sort of demonic magic or practice) before he switched back to his more human form. It gave him whiplash doing so, but he steadied on the counter.

“Sorry, I think your dad has more practice then I do.” He apologized. “That was a tad difficult, admittedly, but very interesting.”

Ezra shrugged with her wings before flopping over onto her father. _“It’s ok. You are fluffy and warm like this, too.”_

The angel chuckled. “Well, yes, but let’s not make this a thing.” _Until I get it down._ Aziraphale thought. It had been a while since he got anywhere near his old form, and it was oddly freeing, just difficult to hold a mid-form.

The angel missed as his daughter continued to plot. 

* * *

_“So I want to go to school.”_ Ezra said to her siblings after collecting them all. _“But dad and papa said we need to be human.”_

 _“AAAnnnnddd?????”_ Tony posed, laying across a stuffed animal.

_“I think we can do it.”_ She nodded.

Jules tilted their head. _“They have a library at the school, right?”_

_“Yup.”_

_“I’m in.”_

Ezra looked at Freddie. _“Pepper said that they have art class.”_

Freddie perked up from the crayon drawing that he was working on. _“Art class???”_

_“And gym. Wensleydale was complaining about the boys’ wrestling unit when he wanted to be working on the plants in biology class.”_

Tyson simply fell out of the bush he was sitting in.

_“YISSSSSSSSSSSS!!!”_ He cheered once he collected himself.

Thus, the plot was made. 

* * *

The kids each had a role in the plot. Ezra and Tony were in charge of mostly trying to figure out how the whole transformation thing worked. Tony overheard a lot of conversations, being the little sneak he was, while Ezra was careful to phrase her questions about how it was being human and what magic was involved.

Of course, they were toddlers, and they weren’t subtle many times. Freddie was especially bad at fibs, so he was put on Team Chaos with Tyson. Their job was, if Dad and/or Papa got suspicious, to cause a distraction. This was surprisingly easy, and, normally, by the time the domino effect of chaos settled, the father in question either forgot about the previous conversation or just decided it was curiosity. Crowley attributed it to their shared snake forms, and Aziraphale just thought his kids inherited his natural curiosity, Jules kind of oscillated between the two parties, but they also tried reading up on the subject. As it stood, though, their vocabulary was limited to children’s books.

It was a long process, one in which Tyson DEFINITELY got bored during, and in which Tony switched to Team Chaos at random. Ezra, Jules, and Freddie seemed to keep their eyes on the prize the most. 

* * *

Ezra floated in the kiddie pool, thinking.

They had been working on the Super Awesome School and Human Chaos Plot (a name made by Tyson and Jules) for what felt like FOREVER now (it was a few weeks, admittedly). They still hadn’t made progress on the human form front, but Ezra REALLY, REALLY wanted to go to school still. It was BORING sitting around all day, and she wanted the big pool.

She spread out her little wings as she floated on her back, head resting on the side. She could feel the very bones in her wings span, like little hooks coming out into the world. She wondered if that was how fingers felt like, but just less connected.

She looked at the ceiling, imagining herself as a human. Would she look like dad or papa? She thinks that she’d have papa’s hair, but she’d want it much longer, like the way dad had it in some old pictures papa had shown her. No, longer. She wanted it as long as Ms. Anathema’s hair!

She wiggled in the thought. She could run her fingers through it and braid it! Oh, and she could tie it up and let it flap in the wind! Even if she didn’t have wings as a human (normally, anyway – she’d seen her dads have their wings out many times), she could run and jump and touch the skies!

The ceiling had been decorated with sticky glow-in-the-dark stars in constellations of Crowley’s making. While the background stars were an exact match to the formation the night that the kids were born, the ones that glowed were constellations dedicated to each kid. “I put ‘em up there before, so these are basically official” he’d said when he pointed out what he’d made for each.

Ezra’s was a little swirly wave. She loved the water, and it made her smile looking at it. She pushed her little wings up as if to flap down, not enough to push but as if to reach up with little arms.

She realized that little fingers hovered above her head.

Blinking, she tried to coil up, but her bones were… different. Not wrong, but not as bendy as before. She ended up folding, new structures acting as a hinge as she looked down at the fingers. She flexed her muscles like she would her wings, but it was different once again. She felt another sensation, and, looking down, she saw little pudgy legs pool down in the pool, pale as a porcelain doll. It took a few tries before she worked out which sensations were for the wings (which she couldn’t see), the fingers, and the toes.

She struggled up, finding the water falling from the pudgy appendages and little belly. There were spots of scales on her lower rib cage, a patch on her right knee, one spot on the crook of her left arm, but the pail scales near perfectly matched. Should anyone have really looked, they would probably mistake the scales for a random skin condition.

She fell, of course, but the water cushioned her fall. She tried again and again until she stumbled to her feet, using the wall for support. Her yellow orbs in her eyes, which looked very human, were blown as she saw the long white locks spill from her head down to her knees. It would curl and shorten, become fluffier and wavy when dry, but the wet hair fell to its full length.

“Ok, pumpkin, papa is calling everyone for dinner.” Crowley announced as he entered the room, towel in hand. “It sucks, I know, but…”

The man looked on at the little girl with his eyes and Aziraphale’s hair looking up from him, dripping wet from the pool.

She was also, as she had been as a snake, not dressed.

_What the fuck is my luck???_ Crowley thought, dropping the towel for a second before grabbing it, though his mouth hinging open stayed that way.

“Dad? Daddy, I did it!” The little girl said in a very human way in the same voice he recognized as coming from his little Ezra. “I can go to school now!”

The demon wrapped the little girl up in the towel off to the side, laughing because he didn’t know how else to react, before sprinting to the kitchen with the little snake-demon-angel-human toddler. All the way, Ezra talked about all her big plans for school and how toes were weird.

Of course, by the end of the following couple of weeks, he had five winged snakes able to turn into five mostly-human toddlers, and the collective brain cell shared between an angel and a demon was officially fried.

(The children did complain, loudly, upon finding out that school would have to wait – turned out their timing had coincided with summer vacation.)

It was about to be the second craziest summer of the Ineffable Husbands’ lives, beaten only by the near end-of-days.

But, damn, was it close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys it has been really hard the last few days. The mess with the USB has just been another hit to me lately. I have cried a lot.
> 
> But, honestly, your comments and support are so great. They make me so happy. Thank you.
> 
> See you in the next chapter!


	9. A Date Knight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes a couple just wants a night out...
> 
> In this case, most normal couples start looking for a babysitter.
> 
> Most couples aren't Aziraphale and Crowley with their five magical snakelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! But I updated this faster then the other fic that I am working on :D School has been rough, but I'm surviving! Sadly, very little time.
> 
> I hope this was worth the wait!

What had started with Ezra had soon spread to the other kids. Soon enough, they were all able to shift into humanoid forms, and that opened a whole can of worms again. They were all wobbly kids, trying to figure out how their new appendages worked, and, even though they should have known better, they wanted to just touch _everything._

After Ezra, it was Tyson who figured it out next. Seemed his fighting spirit made him extra stubborn. The little boy had been trying to scale a shelf too high for him when he’d transformed. He’d latched his little fingers around the object in question before he fell, not knowing how legs worked. He was, of course, still the smallest in stature and the thinnest child, but he lauded over his other siblings for a few days at how ‘big’ he was in comparison to their snake forms. His hair was all curls, bright red, even brighter then Crowley’s. His skin also seemed to be a tad more olive toned in comparison to Aziraphale’s pale.

Jules came after, their soft middle making them just as pudgy and pinchable as a humanoid toddler. Their hair was more platinum blond, falling in waves loosely down their head. It fell around their ears and to the nape of their neck where it trailed off. Should someone check behind Jules’ ears, though, like Ezra they’d find patches of scales.

Freddie was a mess of splotches, even as a human. Olive tones suddenly gave way to pale patches at random across his face and body and hands. His dual colored eyes were as big and bright as ever, complimenting his strawberry blond locks that fluffed up around his head much the same way Aziraphale’s did. The toddler took the longest to walk, but it didn’t take him long to figure out fingers (“Crayons are so much easier now!!!”)

And then there was Tony. Tony, who was just plumb indignant over being the last kid to figure out how to Human, ended up with longer locks, much like his sister, though his were more along the lines of to mid-back, with dark waves at the top giving way to curls at the bottom. His hair was almost black, but it would tint red in the light. He, however, once again took after his more snake-y father in retaining slit pupils, even though his eyes were more Aziraphale’s blue. He ended up being the one to need glasses to hide his most inhuman traits, while Ezra and Jules managed to get away with ‘skin conditions’ for their soft scaling. They could, as they found out, will these features away, but it made them more uncomfortable and took much concentration.

Humans tended to miss things like this either way, so they just rolled with it.

One thing that did need to change, though, was the car.

While having five infant snakes had been easily transported in a carrier, five human toddlers was another thing. Even with all the miracles in the world, the Bentley could only comfortably fit five.

Crowley flat out refused to retire his Bentley, which was fair, but Aziraphale also pointed to the five children running around.

They compromised and purchased a second car.

The demon was staunchly a Bentley user, and he refused to look anywhere else. Thankfully, the luxury car brand (which was very much expensive and they really could have done just as well with a cheaper brand) was able to accommodate. They rolled off the lot with a seven-seater that could get up to over 180 mph, which was, according to Crowley, perfect.

Aziraphale still had to miracle in about 20 more safety features before he dared even put the car seats in.

“I don’t know what the big deal is. I’m a great driver!” Crowley had said while Aziraphale was setting up the car.

The angel only paused to give Crowley a look of _Really?_ before turning back to the vehicle. “Of course, dear.” He returned, noncommittedly.

Crowley huffed in return.

Life was settling into a new normal once again when Aziraphale began to want to bring back a small bit of their old normal.

* * *

“You know,” Aziraphale brought up one evening while they were sitting in bed. Crowley was filling out some forms on a lap desk because he refused to use a table like a normal person (and he wanted to be close to Aziraphale) while the angel was writing out an email to a recent inheritor about his great uncle’s book collection (his computer was about ten years old, and the angel hardly used it, but this chap wanted a paper trail of correspondents in this case for legal reasons).

Crowley glanced up from his paperwork, yellow eyes blinking slowly. “Know what?”

Aziraphale rubbed his thumb along the edge of the computer. “With the children learning about being human and everything that has happened, well, we haven’t been on a proper date in a long while.” Aziraphale shook his head. “Not to be selfish! I love the kids with all my heart! And the shop has done great! I just… miss those afternoon at the Ritz, is all.”

Crowley blinked as he thought back. Sure, they had done nice dinners at home and take out when the kids were still in their snake forms, and, with them mastering human forms over the last few weeks, they began to venture into local family-friendly places with them, the angel and demon had hardly had any time alone together without one or both being asleep or dealing with something else within the confines of the shop.

(God would note that they had certainly been sleeping more due to their constant flinging of magic and miracles everywhere – both to keep up with their respective jobs and the chaos their children did. It resulted in more food and rest for their physical forms to be maintained)

Now that Crowley was thinking about it, though, he craved a night at the opera, a bite at the Ritz, speeding around London…

Man, he needed a break night.

_They_ needed a break night.

Hel-Heav- _FUCK,_ they didn’t just need a break – they needed a date night.

“So we make a date out of it.” Crowley waved his hand. “Simple enough. I’m sure I could get some tickets, a table…” The demon paused. “A… sitter…”

“Yes, I was concerned about that.” Aziraphale sighed. “Who would we even get? Money is no issue, but…”

“Yes, someone able to watch five children with divine powers…” Crowley hummed. As the crafty demon thought, though, his eyes lit with something.

“I think I know just the sitters…”

* * *

“So I put this together in my spare time. Little bit of their schedules, what their favorite and least favorite foods are, what their activities are…” Crowley began as he handed a two-inch-thick binder to the young man in front of him.

Newt looked at the binder with trepidation. “Yes… I… understand that…”

Aziraphale nudged the demon. “Come on, Crowley, don’t scare him!” The angel noted happily. Then again, when he looked at Newt, he stared seriously. “But if anything happens to them, I know where a certain flaming sword resides.” The angel then smiled. “As agreed, we’ll be doing twenty pounds an hour, and I did some meal prep in the fridge. There’s also plenty of food for you and them, though try to keep the snacks healthy. Tyson is a tad… obsessed with chicken nuggets as of late.”

Newt gulped.

“Got it.”

“Great! We have dinner at seven, and the show is at nine, so we should be home by eleven-thirty the latest!” Crowley smiled before turning to the kids, who were trying to peak around the corner. “I see you buggers.”

The kids giggled as they rushed forward to tackle their dads. “Can we stay up late tonight?” Tony asked.

“No.” “Yes.” The angel and demon shared a look.

“Half an hour?” Crowley posed.

“Yes, ok, half an hour.” Aziraphale accepted.

“Right, well, normally I’d encourage chaos, but don’t destroy Newt or anything. You kids are getting good at the stuff, but you’re no pros yet.”

“I think that’s as close as Crowley would ever get to telling you kids to be good.” Aziraphale laughed.

“Nope! No good! We don’t need any of that!” Crowley protested. “Only evil. Evil little minions, you hear me?”

“We’ll be good dad!” Ezra promised.

“But only if it suits us.” Tony added.

“That’s my little snake!”

“Bring me back a toy?” Freddie asked with big eyes.

“Bring me back a playbook!” Jules begged.

“Bring me back chicken nuggets!” The youngest added.

Newt giggled. He’d babysat before, and he figured that he could handle this. Maybe the angel and demon were just freaking him out more than usual. These were a lot of kids, but he could handle kids.

* * *

They had managed to make it almost all the way through dinner before Crowley began to show some concern.

“I’m amazed that there hasn’t been a call yet.” He checked his phone, just in case. There were a few texts from various associates and data sources around the globe, but there was not a peep from the ex-witchfinder.

Aziraphale nodded. “I’ll just… send them a text? Yeah?”

Crowley nodded.

Aziraphale pulled out his phone, slowly typing out a grammatically correct message to the younger man. Crowley rolled his eyes and swiped out his own phone, sending a short message getting to the point of “is everyone still alive?”

It took about ten minutes, where they got the bill, but they did get a reply, including a badly-taken selfie that clearly showed Tyson’s nose with a chicken nugget in his mouth whist somehow looking up his nose at the same time.

Aziraphale chuckled at the photo. “What’d they say?”

Crowley grinned. “Seems Tyson has gotten into the nuggets again.”

Aziraphale groaned.

“But the buggers are alive.”

“Well, that’s one plus.”

Crowley smiled as he stood, offering an arm to the angel. “Shall we, angel?”

Said angel giggled as he took the offered arm. “We shall, it seems.” 

* * *

Crowley made it half way through the show before he checked his phone again. He added a second message, which had the bonus of annoying the patrons around him with the light of his cellular device.

_How are the kids?_ He quickly messaged.

Another ten minutes later, he got another reply.

_No worries! I hope Disney is ok, though. We broke out Big Hero 6._

Crowley felt a hand on his arm. “Dear, it’s ok.”

The demon stuffed his phone in his jacket. “I’m fine. It’s chill.”

Someone behind them shushed them.

“Oh shut up back there and watch the show!” The demon threw. “I got kids with the babysitter.”

Crowley knew that he sounded like an entitled parent.

He didn’t care and wore it with style. 

* * *

“I’m a tad worried, honey.” Aziraphale admitted as they drove home from the theater. The show had been lovely, the dinner amazing, just a splendid date.

But… it was their first night away from the children without the other there… ever.

Crowley gripped the wheel a little tighter. He tried not to show his emotions too much, but he was allowed to be nervous.

“I’m going to do my part and play the devil’s advocate.” Crowley grinned to the angel as he said this, even as Aziraphale made a face.

“Really?”

“Yes.” Crowley hummed. “Maybe, just maybe, Newt didn’t fuck up. Maybe they’re all sleeping and fine…”

Aziraphale nodded his head. “Yes, maybe it will all be good.” The two were quiet. “Maybe we can drive a bit faster…”

Crowley didn’t need much more pushing.

* * *

“Ok, you didn’t burn down the house!”

“If my kids are dead, so are you!”

The two fathers burst into the living room, ready for the worst, and… it was much better than what they had begun to imagine.

Newt looked up, holding a finger to his mouth as he pointed to a pile of blankets between the sofa and a side chair. A large blanket was thrown over the two seating spots as more pillows, blankets, and so many stuffed animals were stashed underneath. Amongst all of this little pile of chaos, five little toddler bodies were thrown around, in pajamas, cleaned, and sleeping peacefully.

“They refused to go to bed unless you were here.” Newt whispered to the two as he guided them to the kitchen. “I managed to run them to exhaustion. Just finished cleaning up mostly before you came in.” Newt pointed to the kitchen table, which had multiple art projects in various stages of drying. “After they got tired of crafting and board games, they were adamant that they stay up for you guys.

“Thankfully, like little Newt, Fantasia 2000 was quite soothing and got them to fall asleep. Didn’t want to move them just in case, though.” Newt smiled. “So… no flaming sword?”

Aziraphale opened and closed his mouth, but Crowley only lifted an eyebrow. Then again, that was a big deal to Newt, who knew how easily the demon hid his emotions from others.

“No magical shenanigans? No attempts at flight? No one was injured?” Aziraphale questioned.

“Well… not totally.” Newt rubbed the back of his head. “We had some animated stuffed animals at one point, but I just played along until they went back to being just stuffed animals. Don’t know the semantics of that, but kids get bored after a while. They also tried to jump the stairwell, but I got them to make a pillow pile instead. That’s when we built the fort.”

Aziraphale set his hands on the human’s shoulders. “My boy.” The angel smiled. “I think you are officially our best babysitter.”

“Not bad.” Crowley nodded. “Not great, but not bad.”

“We should certainly keep him on dial.”

“Just don’t make me drive from Tadfield next time at the last minute, yeah?” Newt added. “My mother didn’t mind the surprise visit, but it can be hard on my car. Planning helps on the hauls.”

Crowley grinned. “I can take care of the car, no worries.”

As Aziraphale helped get the kids into bed (they’d had to add more bedrooms for all the kids, but the old room remained for them), Newt was asked to wait by the demon, who’s grin was, in fact, quite frightening; therefore, Newt waited.

When Aziraphale got around to paying Newt, Crowley returned inside just in time. Crowley sat on the couch, looking like a cat that caught the canary (or maybe a snake that caught the mouse?)

Either way, when Newt got into his car, he was very careful.

Not only did the engine purr upon starting, but the gage never went below a full tank, never had a problem with the radio (though it did seem to prefer Freddie Mercury’s vocals), and, as the months would pass on, would never have another problem ever again.

The beloved car had been imbued with demonic power, and it wasn’t going down anytime soon. Every knight needed his trusty steed, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading! All your comments have been AMAZING and so heartwarming, and it really helps me power through a few of the rougher school moments.
> 
> Not dead yet tho! We'll see after tomorrow's exam...
> 
> Until next time!


	10. No Rest for the Wicked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley just wants a nap, but there seems to be no rest for the very wicked Demon Crowley aka lovable dad Anthony J Crowley-Fell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHA School is kicking my ASS I'm not even kidding. Any time I thought that I'd have to write has been turned into research/study time. I'm dying a little, tbh.
> 
> BUT we got a break this weekend, so WRITING TIME :D

“Dad, daddy? Dad!!!!!” The little snake shook her father’s leg insistently, her tinted glasses bouncing around her face.

Crowley shot up from his nap on the chaise. “Wha? Wha’ ‘s it?”

“DAAAADDDDDYYYYYYY!” Tony tried again. Crowley focused, his own glasses off to the side (he didn’t remember taking them off when he fell asleep, but, well, a wild Aziraphale happened to come by). “Can we have a puppy?”

“What? Why?” Crowley managed to shake himself awake, though he was still groggy. Had it been anyone else whom had messed with his sleep like this, said person would already be wishing for death. It was his kid, though, so she’d be spared (for now).

Tony shrugged. “Adam has a dog.”

“Adam has a hellhound.”

“OOOOO yeah let’s get one of those!”

Crowley thought about his kids having a hellhound.

He knew he had to draw the line.

That much chaos in the world may have been just a _bit_ too much, even for him.

He shuddered at the thought. “Uh, well, Dog is a special case, you see.” Crowley yawned. “Plus, if you want to go to school, no one can take care of a puppy.”

Tony mulled it over for a little bit. “But it’s fluffy!”

Crowley chuckled. “Oh, you want fluffy?” Suddenly, the man grabbed a pillow and (ever so lightly) smacked his child on the head.

The little snakeling squealed in delight, grabbing her own pillow as her wings popped out, her eyes sharp for battle. “BRING IT!”

About three hours later, Aziraphale would find several pillows destroyed and, in their remains upon a black sofa that was ungodly soft, were two little demons sleeping. Tony wrapped herself all around, wings and arms and legs more octopus like then anything, as Crowley draped an arm across her back, his own wings out. One wing fell languidly to the ground while the other popped up along the back and fell over the two like a curtain, warming the tiny child and blocking out the sunlight.

Aziraphale took a picture to remember how cute they were. The memory would help when he was repairing pillows… again… 

* * *

Crowley sighed as he dropped into the bench. He was at the park with the kids today while Aziraphale was dealing with some ‘angelic business’ elsewhere. Crowley was pretty sure that Aziraphale was just doing a sweep of London to add a bit of blessing around to help balance out the general chaos that Crowley made, but he also needed the day to help sweep for any magicals making their ways there (London was growing into a hotspot of magic not seen in centuries, and neither really understood why).

As it was, most were friendlier being approached by an angel (and especially the soft, but protective, Aziraphale) then the demon Crowley.

The birds sang as children’s laughter filled his ears. The sun was bright and warm, sunning his skin in just the perfect way. It was perfectly tempered in the park that day… perfect for a nap…

There was a childish scream, one Crowley knew well.

The man shot up just in time to see Freddie and Jules’ sand castle being kicked down by some kids who looked about twice their age. The man growled, rolling up his sleeves, but, just as he readied a little magic, three bodies flew in.

Tyson didn’t hesitate in punching the older kids. Didn’t matter that he was a third their size – they’d messed with his sibs. Tony came running with a stick, and Ezra had a cold sort of murder in her smile as she calmly came over.

If it weren’t for the human mothers coming in to cause their own brand of chaos, Crowley would have let his kids handle it.

As it was, several mothers and bullies had the wrath of Crowley and Co scared into them, and the six later returned home with scrapes magically healed and ice cream in hands. They’d also stopped at the Lego store to get a bunch of Legos, so Aziraphale came home to see his children building towers and little things while Crowley somehow napped on a rug covered in the dangerous little pieces of plastic.

The demon snorted as he rolled, one little man stuck to his cheek. It was, of course, an angel figure, which Freddie stole to make some sort of scene. 

* * *

He felt the nudge. “Daddy?”

Crowley rolled, ever so used to this by now. Aziraphale warned that all the parenting books had said that they needed to break this habit, but Crowley had Nannied for eleven years. He also knew it was bad, but he honestly couldn’t say no.

“Hey Julie.” He said as the pudgy child scooted up onto the couch. It was nap time for the kids, and it seemed one of his snakes just couldn’t do it again. “Need some cuddles?”

They shrugged. “Can I have a story?”

Crowley rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He was still exhausted, but he knew there was no sleep until he got his kid to rest at ease. “What you thinking, kiddo? Be warned – I’m not as creative as papa when it comes to nice tales.”

Jules shook their head. “Can you tell me about the snake and the fire angel? I like that one.”

Crowley smiled. The story of a Snake and a Fire Angel was a favorite of the Crowfells, it seemed. He cuddled up, miricling a blanket covered in depictions of stone and vines, before telling his story of the angel and the snake, two enemies by the hands of god, who would fall in love and live happily ever after… with a few shenanigans along the way. He left out most of the dark bits for the kids, and it was easy to laugh about their ridiculous love story.

The demon had nodded off before the child, but the little kid just continued the story from memory, muttering about ‘bugger kids’ and the ‘ineffable husbands,’ as they, too, fell asleep. 

* * *

“…so Nanny is your daddy?”

Crowley froze when he heard that voice. He swooped around a corner to find his missing phone, after long looking for it and too stubborn to miracle it to himself. Problem was, it was in the hand of his darling Ezra… and facetiming a certain not-antichrist.

“Yup! I can’t believe you are in America! What’s it like there?”

Warlock shrugged. “Pretty boring until you called. I didn’t even know Nanny still had my number. Does she… he… they? Do they know where Brother Francis went? I remember him and Nanny were always close.”

Ezra shook her head. “Nuh-uh. I don’t know a Francis.”

“Warlock?” Crowley questioned as he came up. Suddenly, the camera showed him above Ezra.

Warlock’s eyes widened. “Wow, I didn’t know you were also a guy, Nanny. You look different with short hair.”

The demon took a moment to re-orient himself. He was thrown into a confuddle a bit. “Yes, well, human genders were never really my thing.”

“Ok. Do you mind Nanny or her pronouns?” The almost-twelve-year-old asked. For a kid raised by two incompetent celestials, he was pretty insightful at times.

“Erm… usually he works, but you can do whatever.” He smiled a bit, remembering all the years of chaos with whom he… so slightly thought of as his first kid.

Warlock grinned. “Nice. Anyway, Ezra is cool, and the States are really boring since we got back. Dad’s always busy with diplomat stuff, and mom is still mom. I miss my friends… and I guess you and Brother Francis.”

Crowley chuckled, sitting next to Ezra on the ground, pulling the girl into his lap as he adjusted the camera to see themselves better. “Yes, well, believe it or not, Brother Francis changed his name and lives with us. He’s this little one’s Papa.”

“I knew it! I knew you two were dating!”

“Well…”

“When was the wedding?”

“They haven’t had a human wedding.” Ezra clarified. “But they’re already my daddies since forever.”

“OOOOO if you get married can I be the ringbearer?”

“Tony might fight you for it.” Ezra added. “Tyson will just fight.”

“Drat. At least invite me to the wedding.”

“OK!” Crowley yelled, face beat read at thinking about a wedding with Aziraphale. “It looks dark over there in the states. Isn’t it past your bedtime, young man?”

Warlock shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t sleep as well here.”

Crowley softened. “Bad dreams?”

“It’s just… not the same.”

Ezra poked her father. “Daddy, can you tell Warlock a story to help him fall asleep?”

The boy looked up. “Weirdly enough, now that you mention it, your weird stories did help…”

“Alright, alright… get into bed, bugger.” Crowley dictated to the young American boy. “I’ll give you a story alright…”

Half an hour later, Warlock was asleep; however, Crowley took a quick pop to the USA via the line to tuck Warlock in like old times, organizing his room a bit to the way he knew the boy would like it, and even making a note of the new address. He’d have to send the boy a gift for his birthday soon.

He had never forgotten, really, about Warlock, but he’d assumed the boy had outgrown his need for a Nanny and a Gardner.

But, as Crowley hopped back thought he line, he made the executive decision that the godfather status would continue, and his kids didn’t seem to mind having another random family member. 

* * *

Crowley was napping at the moment. His soft snores were heard through the library as he napped in his favorite spot, wrapped as a snake in the one chair that smelled deeply of Aziraphale. It was squishy and happened to be Aziraphale’s favorite, after all. A patch of sun shown on him as he snored away.

A small blanket was pushed over the snake as another hand pushed a stuffed animal up by his head.

Aziraphale smiled as he pulled his two kids back. “Now, let’s led daddy sleep and we’ll head into town, yes?”

“Ok papa!” “Okie!” Ezra and Freddie agreed as they ran off to collect their siblings and whatever else they wanted for the day. Freddie was already debating what coloring books they were going to want to bring (even if they didn’t need them) while Ezra was focused on school supplies (never mind that school was still weeks away).

Aziraphale laughed to himself as he watched them run off before leaning over to peck the snake on the head with a kiss. He tucked a note off to the side desk where a stack of books were left and Crowley’s glasses lay on top of. “We’ll be back later, darling. Sleep tight.”

As he walked away to the distant laughs and excited screams of children around the corner somewhere, the large snake cracked open an eye. Even though it shouldn’t have been possible, anyone watching close enough would see the black scales shift in the light to gain a reddish sheen. He smiled to himself, his tongue hissing happily, before he fell back asleep.

He had a beautiful nap before all hell and chaos returned.

(God would note that he meant his kids and husband, but the line may have been more literal then Crowley assumed.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is NOT dead, and I WILL return!
> 
> If you ever want to talk shop, and I'm not active in the comments, feel free to find me over on Tumblr! I'm over there @magical-awesome-kid!
> 
> Have a lovely week!
> 
> PS Tyson was busy figuring out the microwave this chapter. That's the only reason he's not bugging Crowley more - he's bugging Aziraphale XD


End file.
